Prieš trejetą metų šiame tinklaraštyje paskelbiau pirmąjį savo įrašą, apie Kalėdas. Pamenu, kaip apgailėtinai tuomet jaučiausi po jų. Kiek pykčio bei nusivylimo laikiau savyje.

Jaučiausi išskirtinai… įskaudintas? Nes jaučiausi apgautas. Apgautas ta piešiama iliuzija, jog Kalėdos neša džiugesį, laimę ir šilumą, visam tam išsisklaidžius tą pačią akimirką kai atsibudau ryte po Kalėdų.

Bet tam kartojantis metai po metų pradedi suprasti, jog tame nėra absoliučiai nieko išskirtinio. Jog kenti tiek pat kiek kenčia ir bet kuris kitas.

Bet kenčia ne visi. Nes dalis mūsų sugebėjo ankščiau už kitus suvokti, jog švenčių esmė yra ne jose pačiose, o laikotarpyje iki jų. Kalėdos prasideda ne Gruodžio 25-ąją, o dar mėnesis iki to. Ir būdami tame laukime mes jaučiamės jei ne laimingi, tai bent kažkiek laimingesni nei įprastai.

Tad išeitis iš Kalėdinės depresijos ko gero jei ne paprasta, tai bent jau aiški. Mums reikia kažko laukti. Naujų metų sutikimo su mylimu žmogumi bei vyno taure rankoje. Mėgstamos televizijos laidos, rodomos sekmadieniais, bent keletui valandų tos banalybės dėka pamirštant apie kasdienines problemas. Valentino dienos vakarienės, Velykų sutikimo prie stalo su artimaisiais. To taip nelaukiamo, bet draugų dėka džiuginančio gimtadienio pavasario pabaigoje. Šiltos ir jaukios Joninių nakties ir kartu su draugais laukiamo festivalio liepos viduryje. Mėgstamo atlikėjo koncerto, sostinės dienų bei prasidėjusį rudeninį šaltuką bent trumpam pamiršti leidžiančios trumpos kelionės ten, kur bent kiek šilčiau. O grįžus iš jos ir iki Kalėdų liks nebedaug.

Ir daugiau ar mažiau tai yra gyvenimo formulė. Visa mūsų egzistencija yra pastatyta ant laukimo. Nes kitaip mes stovėtume vietoje, diena po dienos. Todėl susikuriame tikslus bei aiškiai apibrėžiame kur turėtume būti po trumpesnės ar ilgesnės gyvenimo atkarpos. Bet neretai tie taškai per daug sunkiai pasiekiami ir jų per mažai. Todėl gauname ne nedidelį, bet dažną džiaugsmą, o retą ir trikdantį nusivylimą.

Tad dėl praėjusių švenčių liūdėti nereikia. Reikia padėti sau kurti jas dažniau.

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